I want to start today’s Flashback Friday with a warning. Today’s post will have some very serious material in it, which can be very triggering for those who struggle with self-harm. If you feel that this could cause you pain, then please close your browser immediately. If you are under the age of 18, I would ask that you let your parents know what you are reading before continuing on.
After years of anger, hurt, and pain, I learned how to make myself completely numb from all my emotions. This was my body’s way of telling me I was overwhelmed. I share more about this in a previous blog post that you can read here. When I was numb, I would not cry. I would not laugh. I merely existed and I hated it. I got so used to not feeling any of my emotions that I discovered that the only time I did express emotion was when I hurt myself.
Being a teenager, and struggling to deal with all this pain and emotions silently, I needed an outing from these emotions. I started by smashing my head off a wall – literally. I remember vividly, doing this as a child when I began stressed or upset, but I had never told anyone. This eventually did not work anymore; all it did was give me a nasty headache.
That is when I learned how to cut. The cuts were not deep. They barely drew blood – but they hurt enough to prove that I was alive. I shoved needles under my skin sometimes – It would make me feel sick (I hate needles) but being sick was a feeling too. I knew I needed to feel something but I could not feel my emotions or anything that matter unless I injured myself. The months went on and I continued to cut – one day I discovered that the pain I used to feel was not there. I could not even feel the pain I was creating – this lead to more cutting but deeper.
It was not until I read a book about a girl who was cutting that I realized how wrong it was, and felt sick about it. As I read about her cutting, I was sickened and could not understand why she would do it. Doesn’t she know that hurting herself wont make things easier for her? Doesn’t she know that her mom and dad love her? Doesn’t she know that there are people there who will help her? That is when I realized
that girl was me.
Please know that no matter how bad things get, hurting yourself will not help but only make things worse. Next week we will talk about how I got the help I needed for healing, and the steps I took towards recovery.
If you are struggling right now and need to talk to someone the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine can be reached 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255. Remember, you are not alone; you are special; you are loved.