Giving Up.

I want to start today’s Flashback Friday with a warning. Today’s post will have some very serious material in it, which can be very triggering for those who struggle with suicidal thoughts. If you feel that this could cause you pain, then please close your browser immediately. If you are under the age of 18, I would ask that you let your parents know what you are reading before continuing on.

In the earlier weeks we talked about my emotional breakthrough, my steps to recovery, and then my struggle with the lies of relapse. One of the lies that I believed about my relapse, was that I would never heal. I was so disappointed in myself for not being able to heal, that I concluded I was finished. I decided I wanted to take my life by suicide.

I planned my suicide and got ready to take my life – as I sat there writing my suicide letter, God intervened. The Bible says that God will never give us more than we can handle. I did not believe that then but I do now. God saw that I could not fight anymore and he stepped in. I did not believe that anyone cared. He proved me wrong, and reminded me of all the times within the past few months that my mentors and parents took time to help me.

This next part, I have rewritten many times. I have no idea how to put it into words. Some might say that I had a vision; others would say that God revealed something to me that night. All I know is that it was a divine experience and was not of this world. As I sat there trying desperately to fight God, and finish my letter I saw the faces of my family and friends. They were sad, some were crying. I saw hurt and tears in the eyes of some of the strongest people I knew. Each one of them was upset because they loved me and they had learned that I was going to kill myself.

This scared me more than anything ever had, especially because I had never voiced my thoughts on suicide yet in this vision, they all knew. I ran from the room and was very shaken up by the whole experience. I realize now that sitting in that room, there was a spiritual war going on right before my eyes. I watched God defend me against Satan and Satan lost the battle that night. I have never experienced God so real in my life before or since that time.

If you are struggling right now and need to talk to someone the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine can be reached 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255. Remember, you are not alone; you are special; you are loved.