On Eating For Today

Today, I made a sandwich,

ate a handful of grapes instead of a box of cookies.

Slept sixteen hours and showered before I went to a meeting

where I held hands and said the Serenity Prayer.

I may have meant some of it.

I didn’t go to the gym

or laugh with a group of friends,

but I didn’t cry over the toilet

or bury myself under the covers and wish for the world to stop.

Today, I realized that sixteen hours is too much sleep

but I’m not sure what to do about that.

I want to want to go to the gym,

or call up some friends to talk and laugh,

or at least sit outside and smile at the sun,

grateful for another day

without obsessing over calories in and calories out,

the balance of energy vs jittery of a pill

and the way it tastes when it slides down my throat

and how it will feel if it comes back up.

But today I took a shower,

which is better than yesterday.

I tied my shoes and brushed my hair.

Smiled in the meeting when I said my name,

and I petted my cat

and ate my sandwich.

I didn’t obsess over the size of my thighs

or berate myself for not running a marathon

yet;

But I made my bed and used fabric softener when I washed my towels

so they smell good

and feel soft against my skin if I take another shower tomorrow.

I watched my favorite movie and cried

when it ended the way it always does.

I let myself feel

even though it’s scary

and I have a lifetime of experience in avoidance

which has brought me nothing but pain

and too many hours of sleep,

and not enough showers.

I can’t fix all of that today.

I don’t even want to try.

But maybe I can start with a sandwich.

Debbie 2Debbie is an addiction counselor and yoga teacher in Indiana.  She is an avid reader of any genre, and has published fantasy short stories; she is still working on the elusive novel.  Recently, Debbie has ventured into non-fiction writing, in hopes that discussing her life with an eating disorder will help someone in need.  Debbie’s loves include her niece Lillie and her girl-cat, Emilio Estevez.  She is passionate about mental health awareness, especially related to addiction and eating disorders.

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