Today, I made a sandwich,
ate a handful of grapes instead of a box of cookies.
Slept sixteen hours and showered before I went to a meeting
where I held hands and said the Serenity Prayer.
I may have meant some of it.
I didn’t go to the gym
or laugh with a group of friends,
but I didn’t cry over the toilet
or bury myself under the covers and wish for the world to stop.
Today, I realized that sixteen hours is too much sleep
but I’m not sure what to do about that.
I want to want to go to the gym,
or call up some friends to talk and laugh,
or at least sit outside and smile at the sun,
grateful for another day
without obsessing over calories in and calories out,
the balance of energy vs jittery of a pill
and the way it tastes when it slides down my throat
and how it will feel if it comes back up.
But today I took a shower,
which is better than yesterday.
I tied my shoes and brushed my hair.
Smiled in the meeting when I said my name,
and I petted my cat
and ate my sandwich.
I didn’t obsess over the size of my thighs
or berate myself for not running a marathon
yet;
But I made my bed and used fabric softener when I washed my towels
so they smell good
and feel soft against my skin if I take another shower tomorrow.
I watched my favorite movie and cried
when it ended the way it always does.
I let myself feel
even though it’s scary
and I have a lifetime of experience in avoidance
which has brought me nothing but pain
and too many hours of sleep,
and not enough showers.
I can’t fix all of that today.
I don’t even want to try.
But maybe I can start with a sandwich.
Debbie is an addiction counselor and yoga teacher in Indiana. She is an avid reader of any genre, and has published fantasy short stories; she is still working on the elusive novel. Recently, Debbie has ventured into non-fiction writing, in hopes that discussing her life with an eating disorder will help someone in need. Debbie’s loves include her niece Lillie and her girl-cat, Emilio Estevez. She is passionate about mental health awareness, especially related to addiction and eating disorders.
Defying Shadows 