This will be the last post in this series. It has been both difficult and rewarding to share part of my family’s journey through the effects addiction can have on a family, with you. I wish this series were ending on a positive note, however, after yesterday’s visit with my sister, I feel as though I am staring at the starting line, instead of the finish.
My sister suffers with more than just addiction; she deals with tormenting thoughts and deep depressive states, which make her want to take her life. My heart broke in half yesterday during our visit to the point of having to leave my mom with her for the last 15 minutes so I could go to the lobby and cry in private. I know what she experiences is part of what happens to people who’ve been addicted for a long period of time, and those whom are stuck in a traumatic state.
Just two weeks earlier, during a call with my sister, I believed she understood the need to participate in the Substance Abuse Program the state is mandating for any type of early release from jail. Yesterday, my sister basically said she’d rather stay in jail two more years than go through the program. The reason I needed to go cry in private is because it was at that moment I realized she honestly is not interested in being free from this demon called addiction.
I am so glad I was the one holding the phone instead of my mom as my sister, or rather that spirit of addiction, sat there spewing junk my direction. It took everything I had to hold it together while trying so very hard to remain calm and encouraging. She turned really nasty in demeanor one minute, then the next was crying and telling me how much she has wanted to die and didn’t understand why God keeps saving her. How tired of it all she is; that no one could possibly understand.
I truly do not wish this type of situation on anyone. Ever! One of the issues is that people in this state of mind, don’t want others to be able to relate. They are stuck in their own place of self-deprecation and self-pity and don’t know how to reach their hand out for help, or want to help themselves. They are stuck.
It is so hard to remain strong for someone you love more than your own life, in moments when they are in such a dark place emotionally. If I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I don’t know how I would cope. What I would have to give. But somehow, He supplies me with words of wisdom and deep empathy that covers her with love instead of anger over her inability or desire to break free.
Our hearts were very heavy as we drove home. Sadness danced with anger. Exhaustion overwhelmed our minds because while we want to see her thrive, we cannot force a 32-year-old into a program that will help her, when she doesn’t want help.
All I can do is continue to love, encourage, pray and trust that God finally reaches the darkest crevices of her mind and breaks my sister out of this prison, and makes her free indeed!
Stacey Louiso lives for, and tries to love everyone wholly by constantly studying the heart of, Jesus Christ. In gratitude for transforming her life back into one that is pleasing and usable to God, she walks toward virtue, praying to embody a woman after God’s own heart! Her gratitude is due to being delivered from several decades of many types of abuse and victimization, as well as physical, emotional and mental health issues.