Journal entry
6/3/14
Process group started today. There were 3 of us – Delia, Liz (not Elizabeth!), and myself. And of course Dr. Lane. After introductions, we talked about “the next step” in our recovery processes. Liv wasn’t sure what hers is. Devon has been avoiding hers. What is mine?
I said I am doing “fair to good” recovery-wise. My next step is to follow my meal plan better. I have been slacking off, grazing between meal times, or snacking a lot and calling it a meal. But I haven’t binged. And I haven’t restricted.
Except yesterday. But that doesn’t really count – I was stuck at work all day, first day on the new job and no car. It’ll be better tomorrow. And, and! I wanted so badly to binge yesterday after I finally ate. I went to Fazoli’s again (yes, again, I should look into my Fazoli’s problem…) and I was so hungry and it was so good that I wanted to get another order but I didn’t know how without seeming like a pig. I even considered going through the drive-through after I left. Then when I didn’t do that I said I’d go to the grocery on the way home and get food there, or stop at another drive through. I didn’t do either! I went home and went to bed and didn’t eat again!
I tell my clients that recovery is a process. My therapist team reminds me that recovery is a process. But it’s So. Hard. And So. Slow. But yesterday I saw some fruits of my labor. I am reminded today of the letter I wrote to myself a few months ago in IOP. The payoff of not giving in is living with the real me, the one I found so long ago and want back. It is living without anxiety and not being afraid of food. I’ve been re-reading some of my blogs from 2011 and I was so motivated, so determined. I want that back. But I want it back in a healthy way – not motivation to compulsively exercise and restrict to 1300 calories, but to eat balanced meals and exercise in moderation. I want willpower to set boundaries where I need them and not be afraid to ask for what I need. I want accountability.
Today, I went to process group then took a nap. Then I woke up and grazed for half the day. I don’t consider this a step forward. But I’m not going to dwell on it and consider it a step back either. I will move forward, starting not tomorrow, but right now. Today is a new day.
Debbie is an addiction counselor and yoga teacher in Indiana. She is an avid reader of any genre, and has published fantasy short stories; she is still working on the elusive novel. Recently, Debbie has ventured into non-fiction writing, in hopes that discussing her life with an eating disorder will help someone in need. Debbie’s loves include her niece Lillie and her girl-cat, Emilio Estevez. She is passionate about mental health awareness, especially related to addiction and eating disorders.
Defying Shadows 